On Manipulation Others; I. Rottinghuis

Ingrid Rottinghuis On Manipulating Others IF we believe that no man should live under the dominance of an other, we must be able to recognize signs of subtle manipulation of human beings in ourselves and oth ers. Sometimes as we manipulate or are being manipulated, we may vaguely sense what is going on, but do not consciously realize the impli cations. Among our most important human relationships are those with our marriage partner, our children and our friends. Aren't we all familiar with the situation where a person tries to leave a party early; for whatever personal reason, but meets ardent protests? ttyou can't be the first to go home and start breaking up the party! Come on, be a good sport, have another drink, stay with us!" Apparently, our host is warm and Mrs. Rottinghuis-Fischer is a mother and part-time student. She and her husband are currently repre senting a Dutch Company in the United States.

hospitable. On second thought, we may be dealing with an overbearing person who manipulates others by vaguely suggesting that the leaving guest is more of a kill-joy or spoil sport than a friend. When we are imposing extremely high standards on our child and ex pect excellent performance in all fields, we may think that we are en couraging him to unfold his poten tiality. But we may be unknowingly brutal in our great expectations and we may be displaying a deep disre spect for him as a person. We have the power to manipulate a child, by giving love and approval, or by withholding it. We may, in the pro cess, be directing his life into tt serv ing his parents' desire" for his great ness, thus building a compulsive perfectionism into the child's char acter. We also should learn to recognize the means by which our children try to manipulate us into catering to 635 636 THE FREEMAN October them. Is our child really too young to learn to tie his own shoelaces, or are we being manipulated by what seems a charming display of help lessness or cuteness? Children are clever at the ~~art of manipulation"

and discover in infancy what kind of behavior will make us run to their rescue. We have to care for our chil dren and attend to them; but we also have the responsibility of raising them toward independence. Do we borrow sugar from the neighbors because we are too lazy to run an errand, or do we restrain our borrowing habits, which may be im posing on others? And do the neigh bors send their children to us when ever they want their hands free? ~~You are such a wonderful mother! My children adore you and love to play with your youngsters on that marvelous equipment in your yard. You really have a way with chil dren. Of course you have more time for them, while I have my hands full with four small ones." Are we being paid a compliment, or are we flat tered into carrying another person's load? Perhaps a wife wants to apply for a paying job when her children have reached school-age. Her husband discourages her in every possible way, by pointing out that he has a handsome salary and that children sometimes do have colds and other ailments, or snow-days off from school. Does she have a concerned husband? Chances are that he may indeed be very concerned for the children, and that he is offering to be financially responsible for her, so that she can enjoy a luxurious life.

But it may be that he unconsciously resists the idea of a financially in dependent wife, who unfolds her tal ents outside the home, instead of being always available to serve the famil)', to make their beds, iron their shirts, cook their meals. Maybe he is manipulating her by using the children as an excuse, instead of helping find solutions for snow-days and sickness and encouraging her to build a life of her own. Libertarian philosophy can have far-reaching implications! A wife who urges career ambi tions on her husband might be mo tivated by the noble wish for him to unfold his talents. Or, again, she might be manipulating him into competing with the Joneses. Do we have the courage to give a friendly but firm ~~no" to aggressive fund-raisers on the telephone or on our doorstep, or are we manipulated into giving our money out of fear of being disliked or appearing avari cious? And can we take ~~no" for an an swer' without offense, when others turn down our demands?

Are we our own master, or the slave of public opinion or inner com pulsion?

1980 ON MANIPULATING OTHERS 637 Do we respect the fact that other people want to be their own master, pursue self-interest and live by their own values and that our friends and relatives are not living on earth just to do us favors? A voluntary and friendly ex change of services is a nice way of coopera tion as long as we do not take each other for granted or think in terms of duties. A grandmother may be very willing to babysit for us, but it is not her duty. Even the tiniest infant, who is completely dependent on us, has a ((self" which should be respected. If we lift our baby from its cradle for every admiring visitor, we disre spect the child's need for undis turbed sleep. A child is not an ob ject, not our property. Equali ty does not mean that chil dren have a right to unrestricted freedom. We often mistake license for freedom. While trying to be ((modern" parents, we sometimes tolerate children with deplorable manners, loud demands for atten tion and tantrums whenever they are refused something. Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs writes in his book, Chil dren: The Challenge: ((Equality means that people, despite all their individual differences and abilities, have equal claims to dignity and re spect."

This word ((people" includes chil dren, the very aged, the handi capped and all those who cannot be expected to live without our help and guidance. People who cannot live ((free" under the authority of their own self-discipline, because of mental disability, immaturity, senility or whatever other reasons, cannot make a claim to the same amount of freedom enjoyed by mature and re sponsible citizens. But they do have a claim to dignity and respect and such freedom as they can handle, such degree of independence as is within their limits. In that sense, ((equality" stretches out to include those who have to live under the au thority of others. Authority can be wise leadership and counseling, respectful of the human nature, the individual na ture, of those under guidance. Au thori ty can also mean· overbearing dominance, which must lead to re bellion and an urge to break away from authority.

The book I've quoted, Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D., and Vicki Soltz, R.N. (Haw thorn Books, Inc.) is one I've found especially useful as a guide in help ing children grow toward adulthood, responsibility, self-respect and re spect for others. Beyond that, it has challenged me to review my rela tionships with all fellow beings. To be free of manipulation by others, we must refrain from manipulating their lives. , A REVIEWER'S NOTEBOOK JOHN CHAMBERLAIN THE WAR AGAINST PROGRESS IN the old days we used to start things and clean up afterwards. Now, for fear that there might be some thing unforeseen to clean up, we argue interminabl~ It is coming to take ten or more years to get ((yes" on a project, and even then the pos sibilities of court action are not ex hausted. Herbert E. Meyer calls it The War Against Progress in a book of that title (Storm Publishers, Inc., 4 East Main St., Box 252, Middle town, N.Y. 10940, 195 pp., $11.95).